Seeing out 2018 as a single parent-scary!

I’ve joined the legion of single parents. I have left my partner of 4 years after many months of trying to rectify our floundering relationship. I admitted defeat after one last massive row and called time on us. Me. I did it. I walked away. Have I done the right thing? I don’t know. It’s stopped the arguments alright but here’s what I wish I had done before I walked out of the door. These do not include custodial arrangements for our son as that is just unfair to talk about. He is loved and cared for and cherished the utmost. His happiness is all and is one of the main reasons I have made this momentous decision. Having parents that fight is damaging so now we don’t fight. Surely that’s a good thing?

1. Passed my driving test

Or even just gained enough confidence to even practice driving. It’s so limiting being stuck to shank’s pony and little hates the bus, as much if not more than I hate driving. I would have so much more freedom though. It’s definitely one to think about once I have managed to become a member of the human race again.

2. Found LB a place in a nursery

I think this should come under the giant umbrella title of be more fucking organised you daft cow. Nuff said. I’m tearing my hair out right now.

3. Had my own place

I am not entitled to my Gloria Gaynor moment as it was me that walked out of his door.Not co-owning the bricks and mortar might be a blessing in disguise for now though, although my poor old mum won’t be seeing it like that. Another it’s all gone a bit Pete Tong move home then. Except this time I have a nearly 2 year old in tow. Believe me this measure is extremely temporary.

4. Made better life choices

There’s nothing like packing up a load of worthless tat and moving it back into your mother’s house that makes you think you should have re-evaluated your life choices. Now I’m not saying for one second I regret having my son. I couldn’t imagine life without him now and I can’t remember how not having him feels. I suppose what I’m really saying is I feel guilty because I have not done enough to secure him a decent future. I don’t own a house. I don’t earn enough to be able to own a house and we are currently residing in my mum’s bungalow with her and her very annoying dog. I keep having sliding doors thoughts about every big decision I’ve ever made in my life. I wish I’d had someone there to tell me what to do. Me from the future perhaps…

5. Worked on myself a bit more

It takes two to tango as they say. It takes two to argue too. I’m sure that my anxiety and depression have made me a shit person to be around. I don’t hold anything against him for that either. If anything letting go of a failing relationship is a relief in that sense if I’m honest. If I’d managed to work on myself a bit more I could have worked on our relationship more effectively perhaps. I’ve done what I could at the time but it’s felt like a one way street so at what point do you decide you’ve just got to keep walking? I’ve decided the time is now. I’m trying to ignore the fact I’m walking right into Christmas face first though…

Ok so there’s a lot of looking backwards here. The “gift” of hindsight and all that. Only it’s not really a gift is it? The only way to go now is forward. Every day I question whether I have made the right decision. I miss my him. Still love him even. Breaking up is sucky and it really hurts, but it’s sometimes necessary to able to heal again. Right now all I have is the hope that things will be better. To still have hope is the key. The last thing to come out of Pandora’s box. When that is gone then you have a problem.

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