First of all apologies for another long wait in between posts. I’m stuck in a bit of rut at the moment and when you’re stuck in a rut mentally, it doesn’t half affect being stuck in a rut in reality. I have nothing to add creatively to this blog at the moment so this post is more a random blurt of thoughts more than anything else. It’s been a whirlwind couple of months with things only starting to settle down now.
I have moved into a new place which I love. I have found myself browsing soft furnishings, kitchenware, even contemplating garden ware and loving it! Give me a trip to Dunelm Mill or The Range anytime these days and I’m in seventh heaven! Sadly there’s no Ikea anywhere remotely near where I live so that’s a bit disappointing but I also have my next new love of internet shopping for tat so nothing is insurmountable. I’m renting for now and the house came furnished but it’s my rental and I’m putting my stamp on it so that’s exciting. It’s also a source of huge worry though. Especially financially. A bit of a case of champagne lifestyle lemonade income but there you go. This time next year we’ll be millionaires to coin a famous phrase as it were (have to stay optimistic!). Moving house is not a good thing to do if you have huge anxiety in the first place either (or even if you don’t) so that part wasn’t fun but at least that’s over with. I have started a whole new chapter of my life and that’s exciting… ish. Ok it’s terrifying but terrifyingly exciting. Err yeah I’ll just leave that there.
Personally I’m still having good days and bad with the anxiety and depression (they like to turn up together holding hands and skipping the little bastards). I’m finding it really hard after all the hassle of moving to become motivated to do things again. A lot of it is stuff I really have to do as well but I am really bad at putting things off. Especially if it involves talking to another real life person because that shit is minus fun let me tell you. I am the living embodiment of all the anxiety memes about calling people on the phone ever made. I have become rubbish at going out again, and I keep telling myself I will do things but it just doesn’t get done as I don’t like to leave my safety net of drinking lots of tea (well trying to drink warm brews or remember I’ve made them in the first place-surprisingly hard) and watching crappy telly and checking social media a little too obsessively. I’m also catching up on line of duty that I have only just recently become obsessed with (which isn’t crap telly of course) so I am binge watching old episodes of that once short stuff is in bed too. Sleep for him has also become crap again since the lost hour and the lighter evenings and sleep is also crap for me because I have bottled it in the new house and because I had no baby monitor etc he’s been kipping with me like he had been at my mum’s for the last few months so putting him in his own bed is just a joke to him now. Therefore most nights I am getting kicked in the head or the spleen, depending on the ridiculous position he has chosen to sleep in for the night. In terms of the terrible twos we are now entering the say “please” and “thank you” and the full on battles of will phase that occur between the adult and the tiny overlord of doom. He knows full well when and why to say his ps and qs but as per full on toddler style it’s the epic meltdown world war nine hundred and ninety nine million every time it’s mentioned. Don’t forget nappy/get dressed royal rumble either that’s still happening too. I wouldn’t expect anything less. He’s also blotted his copy book on what was supposed to be a lovely afternoon tea for Mother’s Day but I won’t go into detail on that one as it’s too traumatising to speak of just yet. Also went to that with my brother and his kids. Yeah probably won’t be doing that again until they’re all grown ups… and maybe not even then. Exactly why I stay in a lot in a mahoosive nutshell.
However despite all that I’m loving having a nearly two and a half year old that waffles complete bollocks with real words interspersed as he pretends to make phone calls and plays with his toys, a child that now asks for hugs (which generally means he’s seen something he’s not allowed and can’t reach but hey), and despite the arseholey toddlerness a beautiful little boy, with a beautiful soul, and an absolutely hilarious and loving character with ability to make me love him beyond measure just by him looking at me and me looking at him. That bit’s alright I suppose! I jest of course it’s flipping awesome. I’m obsessed with him and every good and bad moment.
More to come I promise. I’m still trying to get my brain to work properly and at least pretend to be a human being, whilst being the absolute everything that mum’s have to be and it’s exhausting. Adulting is crap!! Perhaps I’ll be able to sneak in a bit of LOD tonight though so all is not lost.
Thanks for reading and/or following or continuing to it means a great deal to me it really does xxx